Difficult Choices- Dealing with Loss Overseas

Moving across the world means that we must make the choice to live far away from friends and family.  I was aware of this.  I’ve had practice with this for years. I have not lived in the same state with my family for almost 9 years now.  But often this includes choices that are complicated by distance.   Can I make it home for a graduation?  Do I pay for an app on my phone that allows relatives to call me overseas free of charge?  Recently, I dealt with a very complicated choice.  Do I fly home to spend final moments of life with my grandmother or wait and go home later for a funeral?  Is one more important than the other?  There really is no easy answer for this question.  I’m not the first to encounter it and I won’t be the last.  The choice comes down to what the individual thinks is best. 

My grandmother is Ida Bell.  I have always called her “Grandmommy”.  She was called by many names “Granny, Lady, Ida B, B, Auntie, Ida the Great, and Momma just to name a few. Her house was the place we went on snow days and sick days as children. Her home was the place of countless Sunday and holiday gatherings. Her voice and smile would greet us saying "Come on in here and give Granny some sugar!" Whether blood related or not, you were treated like family in her presence. She had 6 children, 15 grandchildren, 22 great-grandchildren, and 9 great-great grandchildren.  During our family gatherings, she would often say  “I have 5 generations in this one room.  Somebody get a camera and take a picture of me with my great, great grandbaby!” 

 

Ida with one of her 9 great-great grandchildren

Ida with a great-great niece 

Pictured with great and great-great grandchildren

My grandmother loved the Lord. She was always very active in her church. She was a retired health-care worker and I have many memories of visiting sick and elderly friends during my childhood even though she was actually retired for most of my life.  She loved her family. She was our matriarch at age 89. The oldest of all her siblings.  Having us gather together for family dinners, picnics, reunions, holiday gatherings, various celebrations was exciting for her. I will always remember her saying “You needs to know your family. There’s nothing in the world like family.”  Another quote that makes me smile: “You children need to get to the reunions so you will know yo folks.  It be a shame for you to bring home a man to marry and we got to tell you no because he is your cousin!”  Her smile was beautiful. Her laugh was contagious. Even her reprimands were gentle for the grands and great-grands. 

 

Ida with a few of her sisters-My great Aunts

Ida is pictured in the middle of relatives at a family reunion

I told her this spring that I was moving to Kuwait.  

Granny:“Whereabout is that Janeen.” 

Me :“It’s near Saudi Arabia”. 

Granny: “Yes, but how do you get there? Do you drive,fly? 

Me: It’s about 18-20 hours by plane to get there. 

Granny: (voice raised) 18 hours. O, you are leaving the country! Lord, chile I sure hope you thought about this and prayed on it.” 

Me: Yes, Ma’am I have. 

Granny: I don’t know what you want living in another country but you make sure to keep praying” .   That is the short version of the conversation. She told me to pray about it at least 6 times in that conversation along. That was something she admonished us to do regularly.  Pray about everything.  Trust God. Help other people. Live a full life.  She showed us in both her words and actions. 

Me and my 'Grandmommy' in 2008

Last week, I got a call that my grandmother’s health was failing progressively and she might need to be transferred to a hospice.  My thoughts “This is all happening so fast. This my worst nightmare about living so far away from home.  I don’t know what to do”.  I had to take action and make a decision.  Do I leave immediately and see her in what could possibly be her final moments?  Do I hope for a change and just wait things out?  Do I wait for news of death and go home for a funeral?  Do I stay in Kuwait throughout everything?  Really the last option was not even an option.  Last week there was no school in Kuwait because of a Muslim holiday called Eid.  I had several days off of work.  I knew that it was be torture to have idle days in Kuwait just waiting on news.  I called some friends to see what they would do.  I prayed about it.  I checked on this status of my Visa.  This is an important question for expats in different countries.  Does your country have rules preventing you from returning if you don’t have long term residency?    There were some  implications associated with my departure just 1 month after I arrived.  I decided that the need to be home was worth the potential hassles I may have to deal with when I returned to Kuwait. 

If dog's go to heaven, then her dog 'Red" was panting happily when he greeted her at the pearly gates! 

In all of this, I find many reasons to be grateful.  My grandmother lived for 89 years.  She lived  a very active and full life.  I have peace in knowing that she was ready to meet the God she served for so many years. I’m also grateful that I was able to purchase the ticket from Kuwait to Detroit without a problem. I recently referenced my emergency fund in a previous blog entry and I used it to buy my plane ticket.  This loss is bittersweet.  I can’t imagine life without her.  I get sad when I think of returning home without having her at the family gatherings at her house.  She will not attend my wedding and my children will not have the pleasure of knowing her.  The sweet end to the bitter is the fact that her legacy is a part of me and the many people she touched.  She was influential in community organizations and her church as well as my family.

Young Ida playing piano at her church

I had to make a really difficult decision.  I chose to be near my Grandma’s side in her final hours.  I got off of the plane and went straight to the Hospice center. I spent the day in her room with family members talking and singing worship songs. She passed away that evening. I would not trade those hours for anything even though I had to returned to Kuwait before her funeral.  That was tough.  I made the right decision for myself.  I decided to have a dinner and invite a few friends when I returned.  After inviting them, I thought about it later that evening and realized they would be with me at 6pm in Kuwait which is 11am in Ohio.  I had company during the time of her funeral.  That brought me great comfort. I continue to deal with grief and know this will last for years to come.  That actually makes sense to me considering her influence on my life will last forever.  I sympathize with every person who deals with great loss.  If you have a family member who lives a great distance away, please know that the distance may complicate their ability to be present physically, but distance does not make the grieving process any easier. 

You are looking at one sharp Sista! She loved a good suit  and hat. She used to say "Janeen I don't know why you won't wear a hat too. You look good in them" when I would try on one of her many hats. 

Thank you God for my Grandmother's life!  I was so blessed to have her with me for this long.